*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
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My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
when someone rings the doorbell
This is the one
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot