I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
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Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Trying
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
So the ex texted me
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
we’re dead?
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.