Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
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I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
This line from Airplane.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.