*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
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At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
“Why you watching this shit?”
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.