“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
You Might Also Like
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Worst bar ever.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Why am I like this?
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.