15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
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ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.