My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
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People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Have kids, they said
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
how was your vacation
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Not all heroes wear capes…