employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
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In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me