Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
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Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.