Not all heroes wear capes….
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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect