*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
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The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Tony Hawk, age 6
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.