Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
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You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur