HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
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Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
it must be school picture day
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”