*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
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Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist