murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
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New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks