9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
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Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under