STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
jesus, what did this guy do
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
😆this is so true
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on