A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
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ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Well, this certainly took a turn
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.