Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
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*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.