If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
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[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
😲 WTF? 😆
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Cake safety first. Always.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.