Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
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If you know, you know
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.