I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
You Might Also Like
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Breaking news:
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
⚠️ Important Reminder:
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think