How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
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Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
i hate you platonically
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“