GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
You Might Also Like
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Tuesday
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses