Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
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Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.