Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
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Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
based al yankovic
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
And now we wait
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.