8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
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My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.