The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
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“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.