I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
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Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Barbie gone wild
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
*exercises sarcastically*
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My flabber has been gasted.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
A fake ID that makes you younger
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.