I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
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“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.