It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
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There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.