“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
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I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now