HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?