The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
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me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers