ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.