Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
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I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.