Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
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I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
lmfao
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit