People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
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“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
This was the best day of my life
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
lmfao come on
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.