[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
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I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
The old gods are rising again.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.