*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
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wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.