forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
How to find Kentucky on a map
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.