a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
You Might Also Like
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
jesus christ confetti not now
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*