ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
You Might Also Like
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?