“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
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A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.