Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
You Might Also Like
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Oops I deleted….
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Livid.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Self-cleaning conscience
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement