Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
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[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.