*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
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Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I just love that new Pope smell.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.