Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
You Might Also Like
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Real House Wines.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
So, can we agree on 4 or
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant