I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
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ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Kids: Stay in school.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Is anyone gonna tell them?