My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date